At a Loss

Tonight I was on the phone with my brother Paul. We were talking about our lives... well come to think of it, my life. We were talking about little Risser and about what our lives will look like in the next several months as far as we can see. All of the sudden he said, "Susanna I have some sad news for you." I made a stupid joke about Hilary Clinton and he said, "I wasn't ready for this, but President Hinckley died tonight." Even as I type the words, tears of disbelief come to my eyes. I mean we all expected it sooner than later, but did it really finally happen?

Immediately GK and I tried to get onto ksl.com which seemed to be flooded by those equally shocked. I don't know what I expected to find. But I found articles detailing his incredible life, the changes in procedure and protocol and focus that occured during his administration. Nothing more about his actual death was mentioned than that it occurred at his home surrounded by family.

Of course in my heart I feel gladness that he is finally reunited with his sweet wife. Marriage has taught me a little of what a difficult separation that must be. I think of the wonderful humor and tender insistance that filled his voice when he urged us to walk a little taller and be a little better. I think of how I felt when he said those things. I believed that I could walk taller and be better, and after hearing him speak I knew better how.

I loved President Hinckley. It was during his life and presidency that I gained a personal testimony and grew in my knowledge and understanding of the gospel. I will always remember him with fondness and profound respect. I am also grateful that the work will continue. I am grateful that he will be able to continue his work where he is and that we will be guided and encouraged and chastened by one who has the authority of God.

I am at a loss. I feel incapable of truly expressing the gratitude and sadness that I feel in my heart. I don't feel that they contradict each other, but that they complement each other to testify to me that President Hinckley was called of God because He loves us and recognizes what we needed in the leader of His church.

When GK and I were engaged, my little sweet niece Abby said, "Is Susanna marrying Gordon B. Hinckley?" I laugh at the innocence of her little question, but thought at the time what a beautiful thing it was that this little child knew who our Prophet was. I hope that I can teach my children to love the Lord and His Prophet.