I Can't Stop Checking My Own Blog

And I'm not one who's comfortable with self promotion or the public exposure of intimate things.  So reading about the details of another person's life is too much for me sometimes. I can't do it alone, and I can't do it in the dark, and if those people aren't going to feel embarrassed and ashamed, then dammit, I'll do it for them. But I just love these little girls...so here's some more good stuff. Intimate, and delicious:

I didn't get to hold Cordelia after she was born. Trouble came to her right from the start and the first theoretical treatment was to keep her close to her Mom and sister for the night. She constantly groaned and wheezed, her little chest was sunken and she had a shallow pant and a little worrisome furrowed brow that never went away. It turns out she couldn't breathe without thinking about it, the way you and I and fat little Josie automatically can, so she labored without rest. For almost a day. I'm a paranoid Dad, it's true, but when Susanna called me in the morning to say that our little delicate one was in bad shape I learned a bit about real heartbreak. I'd never felt a physical hurt like that before. I hadn't even had the chance to see her little eyes. Until yesterday.

I feel dramatic talking about it. It's my nature to blow things off once they're settled, and to assume they're settled before they really are, but if we lived somewhere else, or in another time, there would be no happy ending. I believe that a loving God gives us our children to be ours forever. I believe that. But every premature loss is a tragedy. Ours opens me up to other people's experiences with their little ones and I wish I could be a doctor, or maybe what I am thinking of is a super-hero. My daughter's struggle, although serious and intense, only lasted a few days. Three times as long as I had known her otherwise. But I believe that children come to us as whole and complete people, and I didn't want her to go without seeing more of who she is. Susanna and I are so blessed, and lucky.

Since Monday morning Delia has continued to improve and develop each day at a rate that suprises everyone. Yesterday our Doctor called us with news that two days ago we were told we might not hear for weeks. So after Van was asleep and safe with his Grammy, Susanna and I made a late night drive to the hospital and found this:

There were several "firsts". Josie slept through the whole thing.

Thanks for letting me indulge...I just love being a Dad.